Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The post I never, ever wanted to write (and I still don’t)

I admit, I have slumped. I have allowed my “holiday break” to spill over far into the New Year. I am very, very disappointed in myself. Embarrassed and ashamed even. I know I’m not the only one to struggle and gain weight back, but I was so strong in my resolve and I was so determined dammit. I was not going back, not at any cost. It wasn’t going to happen to me. On Jan 5th, I weighed in at around 233, (I was floating between 227-233 around that time) but then something happened. Something terrible. It’s like I just lost control and went crazy. I stopped eating properly. I would persuade Rach who wanted to continue to eat healthy to order pizza or Chinese or Thai or Popeyes Chicken. I found myself stopping in at Quik Trip for their oh so delicious donuts and muffins. I would “forget my lunch” so I could go out and eat at work. For the entire previous year I had NEVER went out unless it was with a longtime friend or my boss (which was maybe three times) I would only eat out once a month on Rachel and I’s date night. And even then I found myself eating less. I was in the groove.
But, that groove ended and here I am. My clothes began fitting tighter and I noticed I was feeling worse. I started to feel like I used to, lethargic and lazy. Hell I had even joined a gym and worked out somewhat regularly, but my eating was so poor, so sugar and fat laden that I gained more and more. When it was just ten pounds, I thought no big deal, then it was 15, then 20, then 25, and approaching 30. I had lost complete control. What happened? Am I really doing this to myself. I signed up for the Trolley Run for motivation. (donate or sign up here) I ordered a size large t-shirt. No way I would fit into that unless I lost the extra weight. Didn’t help. I even started a strict training regimen. Didn't help either. On Monday morning 3/15, The Ides of March, I weighed in at 255. 30 effing pounds over my low weight of 225 in October. I was and still am devastated and depressed and just plain down about it. I am better than that. I know this, my wife knows this, anyone who has ever met me knows this, but what I have done, gaining this weight back is terrible and I feel as if I have let a lot of people down especially my family and my friends.
Monday I put an end to it. 255? Not in my house. Not anymore. My friend Sean Anderson has coined the term iron clad decision and the steel curtain zone (always makes me think of the Pittsburgh Steelers) but that is what I did. I don’t care how hungry I am or what I am craving or how tired I am, I am making this commitment to myself. Food will not beat me. Just when I though I had landed the knockout blow Mike Tyson style, food jumped up and got me good. It has stunned me and wobbled my knees, but I’m not down. Food may have won round 2 but this fight is far from over. In fact it will probably last until the very end, but it is a battle that I will win. See you in Round 3.

3 comments:

  1. Sorry you fell down that slippery slope, but I know you've got it in you to bounce back and accomplish your goals. It's infuriating, but just use that fury to fuel your efforts. You can do it, dude!

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  2. Yes, this sucks, but you have many company's waging war against your nutrition goals and I am guessing, some history of these food choices in your past (like we all do).

    My point is this: you have taken that huge step of drawing a line in the sand today! You are declaring war against the beast that wants to defeat you. If you stay at it, then you win...it's that simple.

    At the risk of self-promotion, I grapple with this too and wrote about it as a lesson from the movie Avatar. Here is the post http://clydesdaleproject.blogspot.com/2010/01/lessons-from-avatar-taming-your-beast.html

    If it could be helpful to you, then that is great. I only recently started the battle, focusing on calories. I'm in this with you.

    I'll follow along and cheer your success.

    Control The Beast.

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  3. You're gonna get it my friend. set up that zone and let any and all thoughts of straying--bounce right off. Realize that you have the power my friend, you really do! Round 3 will be your best round yet.

    Always ready to offer my support---and I know you'll get back into this groove.

    My best always
    Sean

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