Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Fear.

I was over visiting Prior Fat Girl’s blog spot earlier today and she posed the question about your biggest fear. A lot of folks commented and there seemed to be a common theme. People are afraid to fail, people are afraid that they will not lose the final five, people are afraid that they will gain it all back. For anyone who has struggled with weight and the whole yo-yo dieting thing, these are all very real and very legit concerns, but I have a different fear.

My fear: Getting to my goal, and still not being the person that I thought I would be. A better husband, a better father, a better person. I'm afraid that I will come to the realization that it wasn't the weight, it was me.

I have had success. I lost about 120 pounds. You see, I always thought that my weight was my number one issue. Don’t get me wrong it was/is still a HUGE issue, but I’m not going to fall over dead of a heart attack at the age of thirty. I eat better now (mostly) and work out (running about 2.5 miles per day) so physically I’m better. Mentally, though, is where I struggle. When I first started out I felt great and invincible. Everyone noticed the weight loss, my confidence was beaming. Now I’m just a normal guy. I have let this weird mental block negatively impact my relationships with my wife and kids. I may have a different body, but I’m still acting like the same jerk. I thought that was all supposed to change once the weight came off, like I was magically going to become this awesome person. It didn’t. So I guess I have realized my biggest fear. The weight was just an accomplice, I’m the real reason I am the way I am. I need to figure it out. My confidence has been shaken, and is practically non-existent. I must figure out a way to change this person that have become. When I was 345 lbs I could get away with being angry, zero confidence fat guy, but now I don’t have an excuse. Now I have to get to the bottom of it, confront the real issues. Some how, some way, I will figure it out and become the husband, father, and man I’ve always wanted to be.

4 comments:

  1. This self-worth/confidence is something you have always struggled with and something I just never fully understood. I also was tricked into thinking that the weight was the reason for the self-doubt, but I think you are right when you say the weight was just an excuse, not the real reason. I will try and help/support you as much as I know how, but I feel this one is something that is going to take a little more experience then I have.
    I do feel like once you have mastered the answer to this problem, you will have mastered everything else along with it.
    Father, husband, friend, lover, job, confidence, activity level, anger-management-all goes back to one person and that is YOU! You control you.

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  2. When something seems wrong with the car, we take it to an expert to get it tuned up. Same with a sore shoulder, we take it to a doctor. Why do we put such stigma on getting our emotions or behaviors checked out? Good for you for asking the questions and wanting to improve. I suggest you take the issue to an expert to get an evaluation.

    Again, I respect you for asking the questions.

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  3. You're going to make it Joe. I agree, the weight isn't the answer to everything. I've learned that too along this road. But it makes dealing with our other issues so much easier.

    My best always,
    your friend--
    Sean

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  4. Often the weight lets us put the other things on the back burner. Our deepest Fear by mariann williams come to mind after reading your post.
    Check it out if your not familiar with it ...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ybt8wXIahQU

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